{"id":51808,"date":"2020-06-23T19:14:56","date_gmt":"2020-06-23T16:14:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/?p=51808"},"modified":"2021-06-21T07:37:05","modified_gmt":"2021-06-21T07:37:05","slug":"married-the-wrong-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/married-the-wrong-person\/","title":{"rendered":"&#8216;I Married the Wrong Person&#8217;: How to Be Sure and What to Do?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re stuck in an unhappy marriage, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/unhappy-marriage-signs\/\">you know the signs<\/a>. The disconnection. The loud fighting or the silence of a cold war. The loneliness. His glaring, intolerable flaws. And the grief as you fear you\u2019ve made a huge mistake.<\/p>\n<p>If only you hadn\u2019t married the wrong person, none of this would be happening, right? Should you get a divorce? After all, it doesn\u2019t make sense to keep slogging through if it\u2019s never going to get better.<\/p>\n<p>What if you don\u2019t want to end up as another statistic or break up your family, but you just can\u2019t stand your husband? Then you\u2019re probably feeling as stuck and hopeless as I did when I was on the brink of divorce.<\/p>\n<p>I know it\u2019s hard to love a man who has checked out and this isn\u2019t your idea of what marriage should be. What if you could <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/falling-out-of-love\/\">fall in love with him again<\/a> and actually make it work this time?<\/p>\n<h2>Here are four ways you can tell if your husband is still \u201cthe one\u201d \u2013 and what to do if he\u2019s not and you married the wrong person.<\/h2>\n<h3>1. Ask the Right Questions<\/h3>\n<p>The very question \u201cAm I married to the wrong person?\u201d fosters indecision and even contempt.<\/p>\n<p>What if you asked these questions instead?<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Am I the right person for him? <\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If you\u2019re anything like me, you\u2019re thinking, \u201cOf course I am!\u00a0 He\u2019s the one with the issues.\u201d\u00a0 But stick with me here, as I promise this is going somewhere great.)<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>How can I work with his flaws just as he works with mine? (Even if his seem way, way, worse.)<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Am I able to communicate without getting our wires crossed?<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Could I be less judgmental in our disagreements and more self-aware? <\/em>(Maybe you\u2019ve been a saint, like I figured *I* had been. But a saint stuck in a sucky marriage.)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h4>Write down all the things you\u2019re not satisfied with. Then, take an honest look at your part in each of those things.<\/h4>\n<p>For example, if he\u2019s a TV-addicted couch potato, have you been nagging him not to be a TV-addicted couch potato? (<em>When a man feels controlled, he\u2019ll dig in his heels even harder.<\/em>)<\/p>\n<p>Or, if your sex life is on the brink of extinction, have you been acting like his mother? (<em>Nobody wants to have sex with his mother, by the way.<\/em>)<\/p>\n<h4>Now it\u2019s time for a new list. What are some of the things you appreciate about your husband?<\/h4>\n<p>Does he support your family by working hard or show your children lots of love? What does he do to help make your life better?<\/p>\n<p>As you can see, problems in your relationship don\u2019t always stem from the fact that you <em>married the wrong person<\/em>. What you\u2019re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/red-flags-in-a-relationship\/\">mistaking for red flags<\/a> could actually be <strong>reasons to stick by his side<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>You may feel neglected because of his demanding work schedule when he\u2019s actually busy providing for you and the kids. Or you may feel criticized even though his frustration is really because he hates seeing you sick or overwhelmed.<\/p>\n<h3>2. Get on the Right Track<\/h3>\n<p>\u201c<strong>Happy wife, happy life<\/strong>\u201d is a clich\u00e9 for a reason. Miserable people don\u2019t have very good relationships. With everything on your plate, have you lost touch with what made you the happy woman your man fell in love with?<\/p>\n<p>Rediscover things that make you happy, things you can do yourself rather than having to depend on him to do together. What would you do if only you had the time: take a bath, paint, play the ukulele, read a juicy novel, or do Zumba or a puzzle?<\/p>\n<p>I know these ideas sound frivolous when you have much more important things to get done. But if you\u2019re wanting to fix your marriage, the more frivolous, the better! <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/signs-not-taking-care-of-yourself\/\">Such self-care<\/a> has a beautifying effect no spa can beat (<em>though the spa is on my self-care list too!<\/em>).<\/p>\n<p>When a playful, contented look overtakes the frazzled old shrew face, he will notice. Believe it or not, becoming pleasable will actually make him want to please you even more. Teaching him to treat you well starts with <strong>treating yourself well<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>If you feel guilty putting yourself first, do it anyway! That just means you\u2019re on the right track.<\/p>\n<h3>3. Cut the High Cost of Helping<\/h3>\n<p>As bruised as you feel, is it possible he\u2019s been <strong>feeling like a punching bag himself<\/strong>?<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you complained about him not helping around the house or not listening to you. Perhaps you questioned his choice of friends or criticized his inability to wipe the counters after doing the dishes. Maybe you lectured him about getting the kids riled up right at bedtime or innocently suggested that he ask for a raise (the subtext being <em>\u201cYou don\u2019t make enough money\u201d<\/em>).<\/p>\n<p>I know you were just trying to be helpful and probably didn\u2019t know that \u201chelpful\u201d in wife language means \u201ccontrolling\u201d in husband language. Relationship expert Laura Doyle explains it in her blog: \u201cMy Husband Doesn\u2019t Listen To Me\u201d. It\u2019s so frustrating trying to get your needs met when you don\u2019t have the tools to do so in a way that he can actually hear.<\/p>\n<p>What women consider disrespectful and what men consider disrespectful are just not the same.<\/p>\n<p>I love being right (<em>and used to think I was always right<\/em>). I was like a dog with a bone when it came to debating the correct way to heat taco shells, much less something important like what my husband needed to do so we could have a decent marriage.<\/p>\n<h4>When you win the argument, what do you lose?<\/h4>\n<p>I lost loads of intimacy trying to be right all the time and making my husband wrong. Sometimes he would concede to keep the peace but then not do what he\u2019d said, which meant <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/resentment-in-marriage\/\">resentment for me<\/a> and even more intimacy lost for us.<\/p>\n<p>Now I do things a little differently. Like hearing him out. Instead of defending yourself or being \u201chelpful,\u201d there are three little words that will give you communication superpowers: \u201c<em>I hear you<\/em>.\u201d You\u2019re not agreeing or disagreeing, just showing respect for what he\u2019s saying.<\/p>\n<p>When you don\u2019t need to help or solve anything, you may find it\u2019s actually a relief. You will find him opening up and talking to you a whole lot more!<\/p>\n<p>But if things get heated and you can\u2019t help but let him have it, go back to step #2. It\u2019s much easier to show up as your best self when you\u2019re filled up.<\/p>\n<h3>4. Forget Prince Charming<\/h3>\n<p><em>Cinderella <\/em>has killed more marriages than <em>Divorce Court<\/em>. If things haven\u2019t panned out for you, it\u2019s natural to fantasize about the guy on the white horse rescuing you and sweeping you off your feet. When you believe that you married the wrong person, it\u2019s tempting to hold out hope for someone better the next time around.<\/p>\n<p>But you know how that story ends in real life, right? Mr. Charming 2.0 ends up being just the same as the last one, and Cinderella is beating her head against the castle wall lamenting to her bird and mouse friends, \u201c<em>Why do I keep attracting the same man<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The reason she keeps reliving the same story is that <em>she is the same woman<\/em>. Even with a change of scenery, her circumstances won\u2019t change until she changes.<\/p>\n<p>You already know this because <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/failed-marriage\/\">you\u2019ve tried and failed<\/a>: <strong>You cannot change him<\/strong>. The only person you can change is <em>you. <\/em><\/p>\n<p>But what if when you changed, it turned out <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/intl\/blog\/couples-thrive\/202001\/5-ways-tell-youve-really-found-the-right-partner\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">your guy was prince charming<\/a> all along?<\/p>\n<h2>Final Words<\/h2>\n<p>Conventional wisdom says you\u2019re just not compatible when you seem to have nothing in common. This is when you start to think that you married the wrong person. But <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/opposites-attract\/\">it\u2019s your differences<\/a>, their duality, that bind your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Once the honeymoon phase is over, conventional wisdom also says you\u2019ve fallen out of love, so move on. I say you can <strong>revive your newlywed love and keep it alive<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>Accepting the man you\u2019re with, exactly as he is, is the key to getting back the man you chose even if sometimes it feels like you married the wrong person.<\/p>\n<p>He made you feel so loved that you married him. Through these trials you\u2019re in, that love is now maturing into something that could actually be more gratifying than a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifeadvancer.com\/how-to-get-through-a-divorce\/\">divorce<\/a> could ever be \u2013 if you let it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re stuck in an unhappy marriage, you know the signs. The disconnection. The loud fighting or the silence of a cold war. The loneliness. His glaring, intolerable flaws. And the grief as you fear you\u2019ve made a huge mistake. If only you hadn\u2019t married the wrong person, none of this would be happening, right? [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":22,"featured_media":53455,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ocean_post_layout":"","ocean_both_sidebars_style":"","ocean_both_sidebars_content_width":0,"ocean_both_sidebars_sidebars_width":0,"ocean_sidebar":"0","ocean_second_sidebar":"0","ocean_disable_margins":"enable","ocean_add_body_class":"","ocean_shortcode_before_top_bar":"","ocean_shortcode_after_top_bar":"","ocean_shortcode_before_header":"","ocean_shortcode_after_header":"","ocean_has_shortcode":"","ocean_shortcode_after_title":"","ocean_shortcode_before_footer_widgets":"","ocean_shortcode_after_footer_widgets":"","ocean_shortcode_before_footer_bottom":"","ocean_shortcode_after_footer_bottom":"","ocean_display_top_bar":"default","ocean_display_header":"default","ocean_header_style":"","ocean_center_header_left_menu":"0","ocean_custom_header_template":"0","ocean_custom_logo":0,"ocean_custom_retina_logo":0,"ocean_custom_logo_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_tablet_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_mobile_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_max_height":0,"ocean_custom_logo_tablet_max_height":0,"ocean_custom_logo_mobile_max_height":0,"ocean_header_custom_menu":"0","ocean_menu_typo_font_family":"0","ocean_menu_typo_font_subset":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_size":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_unit":"px","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight_tablet":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight_mobile":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform_tablet":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform_mobile":"","ocean_menu_typo_line_height":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_unit":"","ocean_menu_typo_spacing":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_unit":"","ocean_menu_link_color":"","ocean_menu_link_color_hover":"","ocean_menu_link_color_active":"","ocean_menu_link_background":"","ocean_menu_link_hover_background":"","ocean_menu_link_active_background":"","ocean_menu_social_links_bg":"","ocean_menu_social_hover_links_bg":"","ocean_menu_social_links_color":"","ocean_menu_social_hover_links_color":"","ocean_disable_title":"default","ocean_disable_heading":"default","ocean_post_title":"","ocean_post_subheading":"","ocean_post_title_style":"","ocean_post_title_background_color":"","ocean_post_title_background":0,"ocean_post_title_bg_image_position":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_attachment":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_repeat":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_size":"","ocean_post_title_height":0,"ocean_post_title_bg_overlay":0.5,"ocean_post_title_bg_overlay_color":"","ocean_disable_breadcrumbs":"default","ocean_breadcrumbs_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_separator_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_links_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_links_hover_color":"","ocean_display_footer_widgets":"default","ocean_display_footer_bottom":"default","ocean_custom_footer_template":"0","osh_disable_topbar_sticky":"default","osh_disable_header_sticky":"default","osh_sticky_header_style":"default","osh_sticky_header_effect":"","osh_custom_sticky_logo":0,"osh_custom_retina_sticky_logo":0,"osh_custom_sticky_logo_height":0,"osh_background_color":"","osh_links_color":"","osh_links_hover_color":"","osh_links_active_color":"","osh_links_bg_color":"","osh_links_hover_bg_color":"","osh_links_active_bg_color":"","osh_menu_social_links_color":"","osh_menu_social_hover_links_color":"","ocean_post_oembed":"","ocean_post_self_hosted_media":"","ocean_post_video_embed":"","ocean_link_format":"","ocean_link_format_target":"self","ocean_quote_format":"","ocean_quote_format_link":"post","ocean_gallery_link_images":"off","ocean_gallery_id":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[58,46],"tags":[591,57,147],"class_list":["post-51808","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-relationships-and-social-life","tag-divorce","tag-life-partner","tag-marriage","entry","has-media"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>&#039;I Married the Wrong Person&#039;: How to Be Sure and What to Do?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Here is how to tell if your husband is still the one or what to do if you married the wrong person. 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She is a health &amp; fitness enthusiast who constantly expands her knowledge about the latest trends in fitness and nutrition. Some of the activities Valerie is particularly passionate about are traveling and reading because they help her broaden her horizons. When she's not writing or researching, you will most probably find her working out in the gym or enjoying a walk with her dog. 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